


You always meet people twice in your life

by Dutchiedragon



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Build, Spanish GP 2020, but they get there, eventually, talking about emotions is tough for f1 drivers, what really happened when brocedes talked in Barcelona
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:15:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26410987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dutchiedragon/pseuds/Dutchiedragon
Summary: You always meet people twice in your life. Nico has said so himself and four years after his championship victory and their fallout he is ready to meet Lewis for the second time. They run into each other in Barcelona, but is Lewis able to move on and put the past behind them? Will they bridge the distance between them in a time where they're required to stay 2 metres away?Or: what happened in Barcelona, my take on those pictures of them talking.
Relationships: Lewis Hamilton/Nico Rosberg
Comments: 14
Kudos: 58





	1. So here we are at last

**Author's Note:**

> This is me trying (hi Taylor) to make sense of that moment in Spain when Lewis and Nico finally talked again in public. Yes, that's already some time ago, I'm slow okay. And life is busy, but I have such a soft spot for these two idiots and this actually brought me so much joy. Been writing this with a pen in a notebook, but now I typed it all out. So here is my first brocedes story. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Deep down Lewis had always known. He had always known that it all would lead to this, that this moment would happen one day. 

And of course it would happen here. It was a strange kind of logic that it could be no other place than this so well-known track in Spain. 

Lewis had tried so hard to not give Nico an opportunity to approach him, even when he knew he was only pushing back the inevitable. 

For such a long time he had thought Nico would be too much of a coward to try to talk to him. He had been the one running away after all in 2016. Because that was what it had been to Lewis, running away. A flight. From competition and rivalry. But above all a flight from what they had been. 

In the last few months however he had seen a subtle change in his former rival’s eyes, a certain desperately determined undertone had become noticeable, even in his boring vlogs about his oh so happy life. It almost brought Lewis some sick kind of satisfaction, but that was quickly countered by his fake Instagram and Twitter profiles that he used to keep track of that silent desperation on Nico’s face. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, even Lewis understood that he might have taken that one a bit too far. 

Especially since March Lewis had had too much time to think about it all. The lack of busy social lives and the looming threat of an unknown disease had pushed people back into their own worlds and heads. Both him and Nico had tried to adapt, both in their own, and as always completely different ways. He had watched everything Nico had put online, every little thing, hating it with whole his heart, yet never able to look away. He had once almost convinced himself that it was the same as watching an inevitable disaster enroll right in front of you, but that wasn’t the truth at all. The truth was the ugly drunk confession he poured out while facetiming Sebastian, a little over three months into the crisis. 

‘I can’t seem to live without him Seb, even when I say I hate him, he’s constantly on my mind.’

Seb had sighed, had closed his eyes for what felt like hours before gently saying those words Lewis so dreaded to hear. 

‘You’re not over him Lew, in no way. But neither is he over you. Maybe it’s time to talk to him. Call him. Well, call him tomorrow, please don’t call him drunk like this.’

But Lewis hadn’t called. Not even after so many pointed looks from Sebastian, not even after the first race finally went down in Austria. He never had the time, he told himself, but he didn’t make time was probably the more honest reason. His unease grew when the season got past the first races. Nico was doing a lot of press work for Sky, both within the paddock and from home and it would only be a matter of time before they would be in a situation they couldn’t escape from. Even when Lewis wasn’t entirely sure they would both want to escape, maybe that was only him now. Nico seemed rather keen on trying to get closer to him. Lewis knew better than to be suspicious about every little thing the German did, but he couldn’t help thinking that his change of mind about the situation at Ferrari, about Sebastian and even his stance on the whole ‘end racism’ campaign were meant, at least partly, as some kind of peace offering. But even if that was the case, there was simply no way Lewis would accept that offer. Nico and him were done. A distant memory from a long time ago. Even when his heart, his drunk mouth and his best friend told him otherwise. 

Damn that shining smile, wavy blond hair and German accent. There was nothing left to salvage because there was nothing left to save. And that should’ve been his first words when the inevitable finally happened on a grey coloured track in Barcelona. 

But four years after their last talk in private, his first words weren’t an immediate shutdown of every possible conversation, a condemnation of whatever they once had been to a long gone past. Of course not. Because nothing ever went the way it should go when it came to Nico. 

Lewis panicked. 

His eyes quickly scanned his surroundings, but he already knew he would not get away from this. Not this time. ‘You can’t run forever’, his mother had told him more than once when he was younger. ‘What’s meant for you will always come around, you can’t hide forever’, he had heard countless times too. But in what sick version of reality Nico was meant for him? That couldn’t be the truth, could it? Surely fate wouldn’t play him like that. 

Finally his gaze came back to the man in front of him and he hated how he could still always remember everything about him. The way his hair danced in the wind, in the beginning rain. His hands, never in his pockets, always talking, gesturing. He was wearing a mask, just like Lewis himself, but it didn’t matter, he had dreamed about his face so many broken nights. At least he couldn’t see his smile like this. At least that wouldn’t distract him. It was a small comfort.

In the background he noticed the people around them stopping, openly looking at them, some already pulling their phones out of their pockets and bags. Lewis didn’t know what they were hoping to see, it wasn’t as if they would fight, really fight in public. Not even after everything that led them to this moment. They had always hurt each other the most behind closed doors. But no one knew that. People had of course seen their fallout as teammates, the tension, the anger in cooldown-rooms and press conferences. But that had been only what had happened on the surface. And Lewis would keep it like that. For himself. But maybe even for Nico, too. There were still levels of unfairness that even they would never touch. 

Lewis sighed, part of him wanting so badly to just disappear from this moment, from this place, but a small voice in his head that sounds an awful lot like a certain German colleague screamed at him to stay. To talk. To at least behave as the grownup he had become. What had happened in 2016 could possibly be blamed on still youthful emotions, on a certain sharpness, an edge everyone had expected him to lose in the years that followed. But the emotions that were currently threatening to break down his so carefully constructed walls might not be youthful anymore, they were just as sharp and just as overwhelming. 

He should probably say something. But at least Nico seemed speechless too, now that they were actually standing together even with the required distance between them. 

He should probably at least look his former teammate in the eyes, but he had never been so scared of looking. Eyes on the lights, foot on the throttle, hands around the steering wheel of the fastest cars in the world he had never felt this fear. 

What would he see in those so well-known eyes? What if it was a reflection of the memories he had pushed so far back they had become like butterflies trapped in amber. So real, yet unreachable. So seemingly alive and yet so something alive from a distant past. Not meant to be here if not for the person that trapped them. And he had kept those memories, no matter how much he had grown to hate the man they revolved around. He had kept them, and cherished them in the short moments of clarity before pouring the drink that would be the one too many. 

Nico was about to say something, to break the silence and make this real. Lewis saw it in the way he took a slightly deeper breath and looked up for the first time, trying to catch Lewis’s eyes. 

This time Lewis let him and he instantly wished he hadn’t. Because those eyes had always haunted his dreams and thoughts filled with a blazing fire, a harsh gaze, a judging, challenging look. It were those eyes that had looked at him like that when they were still racing together, fuelling the fire in his own heart and the hate he fell into when he stumbled over the remnants of their shared history. 

Only know did he realize that perhaps the hate he had seen for all those years, the hate he had seen here in 2016 could be nothing more than a reflection of his own eyes, a mirror in which he saw his own, sometimes downright egoistic soul. Maybe, when he hadn’t let his vision get clouded with competition and learned rivalry he had seen what he saw now for the first time. Nico’s eyes, still so beautiful, were only filled with pain and regret and there certainly was no fire blazing, ready to destroy him. 

Lewis’s world stopped spinning. 

‘Lewis?’ Oh how he hated how his name now sounded so uncertain, so questioning in that familiar German accent. That accent he had gotten used to once to associate with happiness and lightness. 

Nico was still looking at him, hurt, regret, sadness and sometimes, if Lewis pretended hard enough, just the smallest slivers of nostalgia and anger. It caught him off guard how Nico was just letting it all be seen, for the first time in what must be years there was only one wall between them, the one Lewis had built so carefully with the excuse of protecting himself and his career from pain. But it had mostly functioned to keep those confusing feelings that came with a certain sky-like blue in someone’s eyes out. It was only now that he realized that he hadn’t built this wall to show his strength against something ready to come for him, he had been nothing but the coward he made Nico out to be, hiding behind that high wall and telling himself it was okay because Nico was doing the same. Sebastian had called it childish once and Lewis had huffed and changed the topic. It was okay, they were both doing it. It didn’t hurt the team, they still got their trophies, so what was there to change? Until now. Because now Nico wasn’t hiding anymore. 

‘Lewis.’ The second time he sounded a bit more sure of himself even when it was still spoken softly, as if not meant for anybody’s ears but his. 

Lewis tried to look away, he truly did, but it was as if he was being held hostage by the hurt in Nico’s eyes. The sadness in his voice. The hurt and sadness that he put there, at least for the biggest part.

It took him an enormous amount of courage to find his voice. So when he finally reacted to his rival’s presence and spoke his name he was already exhausted. 

‘Nico.’

A soft blue spark of hope appeared in the German’s eyes.

‘Lewis, I feel like I should ask you how you’re doing, it is what I ask everyone I meet here again. But is that really what we’ve come to? After all this time Lewis, is there anything more here than ordinary questions and remarks about the weather?’

Nico stopped abruptly and Lewis wondered how much of this Nico had really meant to say, but a part of him understood. If you have nothing left to lose, why not lay it all open? He wished he had been so brave. 

‘Nico’, much further than his name proved to be difficult. 

‘Nico.’

Oh how familiar that sound still was, how well it fitted, how nice it felt to speak it.


	2. Maybe it is time to talk

While Lewis first had wanted nothing more than to disappear from all of this, he now wished desperately that they were somewhere without these strangers looking at them, without the many cameras and phones trying to capture their every move. Maybe it would be easier then. Maybe the words would come easier then.

For the first time since their public fights, since the last race of 2016, Lewis looked back at their lives and realized that he might have taken the easiest road by blaming it all on Nico, by calling him the coward, calling him the one that ran away. He hadn’t been much braver if hewas honest, not even when he pretended so openly to have been the bigger guy. What a mess they had become. Why had they let it come so far? Why had he let it come to this? To not be able to escape from each other’s gaze, yet unable to speak words except each other’s name? 

He had to do something, he had to fight the silence, before it would completely overwhelm him.

‘Nice seeing you here.’ That was not completely true, but would one more lie make this worse?  
‘I’m doing good, Nico.’ A lie again.  
‘Professionally it is a great start, despite these crazy times.’ Closer to the truth.  
‘I’m looking forward to tomorrow, I think I’m in a great position.’

Lewis had finally fallen back onto the years of media training and press conferences, because he had to say something, the people around them would put their words all over the internet, but he knew they would also analyze their silence and make it something big, something terrible. And that couldn’t happen, because for the first time in years this silence between them doesn’t feel angry or filled with hostile tension. On the contrary, it felt hopeful, even when it was also filled with his little lies. He couldn’t let this be destroyed before it had a chance to grow. Not when they were so close to each other, even with these two metres between them.

He desperately hoped that Nico understands his words like that. He tried to capture it all in his gaze as he looked into Nico’s eyes.  
The German seemed confused for a fraction of a second before nodding slightly.

‘Yes, tomorrow will be exciting, especially with Red Bull's tyre strategies that worked so well in Silverstone last week.’

Lewis breathed out softly, glad to see Nico playing along. And he did it so easily, sliding back into his role of media professional. But Lewis hated to see how that role meant that his eyes changed, back to the reserved, closed off look he had seen so often in their last months as teammates. 

The atmosphere changed, the people around them lost a bit of their interest now that they wereactually speaking, now that the chance of a real fight seemed to have been diminished. What fools they were, what annoying, only out for blood and sensational headlines. 

Lewis said the things that were logical and desirable in a spontaneous interview between an ex-driver and his former enemy and only when the people around them started to go on with what they had been doing before they had hoped to witness something catastrophic, he whispered: ‘Nico, please.’ He was surprised how easy that word now fell from his lips. ‘Please, come with me. To talk.’

Lewis might nog have been braver than Nico who gave him this opportunity to begin with, but he would be brave enough to grab it, even when only minutes ago he was sure there would never be peace between them. Unbelievable how much could change with an unguarded look in blue eyes he had known forever.

‘Nico, please.’

But that second please hadn't been necessary, Nico’s eyes lit up with a hopeful glimmer, the hint of a smile tugging at his lips.

And just like that, the moment was over. At least for now. Lewis turned around, realizing with an ice cold feeling clenching around his heart that he might have been the one who turned his back on them. It had been so easy to keep telling the story like he told it for years. The one with Nico running away from the fight he had created himself. Leaving Lewis behind just after having beaten him and therefore preventing Lewis from ever getting revenge. What an easy way out it had been, how easy it was to not look at his own role in everything. Because of course it had taken the two of them. They had built their friendship together, over racing, over holiday nights in the hot summer sun. And they had broken it down, just as much together.

Lewis felt ashamed that it had taken him four years to see it like that. It was only for the chill he had felt when he turned around, walking away from Nico, the way it felt like his eyes burned in his back. He had felt that before, just after Nico told him and Toto that he wouldn’t be around next year. Lewis realized he had to admire Nico’s courage to approach him even more. 

There was however still a part of him that tried to put all these thoughts back to where they came from. If he could just find back that feeling of angry annoyance he still had felt when Nico cornered him in front of those trailers only moments ago he could go back to what he was here for, getting in that car and winning.  
Damn Nico for making this all so difficult.

‘It wouldn’t have to be this difficult now if you had just called him.’ A small voice in his head told him, but he chose to ignore it, it was much too late for that now.

Lewis didn’t look back to see if Nico really was looking at his back or if he might even follow him. He probably wouldn’t do that, to not give the people watching them the satisfaction. But Lewis hoped with all of his heart that Nico would come. 

He reached his motorhome, quickly opened the door and stepped inside. Finally safe from the now heavily falling rain. He leaned back against the door, hating the fact he couldn’t simply close a door to keep out all the thoughts threatening to overwhelm him. 

He didn’t have to wait too long, it couldn’t have been more than five minutes before he heard knocking on the other side of the door he was still leaning against. He breathed in deeply, mentally preparing himself for a conversation he now knew he needed to have, even when he dreaded it more than any other. He waited a few seconds, not wanting to seem too eager. But who was he kidding? It had been him after all who had invited Nico. He closed his eyes for a moment, ‘please Lord, if you’re listening, please may we be okay.’

He turned around and opened the door for Nico, his blond hair now stuck to his head thanks to the rain. Lewis quickly stepped aside to let him in and closed the door behind him. Nico hadn’t said a word, but he walked past him towards the couch in the small living area, trying to brush away most of the water in his hair.

Lewis followed him and waited until he awkwardly sat down on the black couch. It was a bit unnerving how naturally it felt to see him there, how well he still fitted in Lewis’ life. Even after all this time. Okay, the Nico he had been friends with would have thrown himself into the cushions, feet on the coffee table, not minding at all if he ended up slumped against Lewis who would always sit beside him, no matter how many chairs or sofas were available.

Lewis had had a few late nights since Nico left, sitting on that same black couch, staring at the TV without seeing anything when he had realized how he had taken those moments for granted. He hated that he couldn’t remember anymore how Nico’s hair had smelt as he had fallen asleep with his head smashed into Lewis’ shoulder or how he had gladly given up feeling anything in his right arm if it meant he wouldn’t have to disturb the sleeping German.  
Maybe if he hadn’t forgotten the sacrifices they had been willing to make for each other back then he would have sacrificed his dignity sooner and apologized. Because he now saw so clearly that he should, that it was in no way fair to blame all of this mess on Nico. It hadn’t been fair from the very beginning. Damn Seb for telling him so.

‘You want something to drink?’ Lewis was still standing, a few feet away from the couch. Nico shook his head, eyes on the floor in front of him. He looked smaller than the champion  
he had seen on the podium in 2016 and his face looked tired. Lewis wondered why he never noticed that before. Could he have fallen for that perfect picture Nico had created online? Surely he must have known him better than that, he chastised himself. But when was the last time he had looked at Nico just to see him, not for checking if the hate and annoyance were still there? 

Lewis shook his head, trying to clear his mind before sitting in one of the silver chairs, so he could look Nico in the eyes. If the German would let him.


	3. Some words need to be spoken out loud

Lewis knew it was up to him now. Nico had made the first move, but he had to let him know now that they were on the same page. Finally. 

If only he knew how. 

‘Nico’, his voice was still soft, as if he didn’t want to scare the other man. Lewis hated the fact that he hadn’t used that tone of voice in four years when it came to Nico. Damn, where in heaven’s name had it all gone so wrong? And maybe those words should be it. Maybe they should be their new beginning. Maybe it could be that simple. 

‘Nico, holy shit, how in heaven’s name did we end up like this? I wish I knew man, but for what it’s worth, and I understand if you don’t believe me, I’m so sorry.’ Lewis knew that a simple word like that, one spoken apology, would never be enough. Could never be enough. But he hoped with whole his heart that it could be a beginning. 

In this moment it was Lewis who wanted nothing more than to look the man sitting across from him in the eyes, but he knew he shouldn’t push. He truly did understand Nico’s hesitation and how it was so much safer to stare at the floor before his shoes. Lewis however couldn’t help it, he longed for Nico’s eyes since he had seen them so unguarded, filled with pain, because he had to make sure he would take at least a bit of that pain away. It was so somehow inherently wrong to see Nico’s beautiful eyes so filled with hurt and suddenly Lewis hated everyone that had put it there, even when that meant he hated himself for it, too. 

He tried very hard to sit still, to keep breathing evenly, to give Nico the time and space to figure out what he was going to do, what he was going to say. It was rare in their world, in their hectic lives to be in a room where you could let down all your guards, and Lewis knew that it was even rarer to be able to do that with another person present. No obligations, no press images to maintain, no future sponsors, teammates, bosses to impress and befriend. 

Friendship was something special in this circus, something to cherish and Lewis had only just begun to realize that that was something he hadn’t done enough when it came to Nico. He had never appreciated their unguarded moments of being nothing more than yourself with someone else like he was loving this moment right now, even with all the brutal and no doubt hurtful honesty that was probably awaiting them. He had fallen in the same trap as so many others, the trap in which friendship gets quickly sacrificed in order to save success, victory and money. And no one was willing to say out loud that in the end there shouldn’t be a choice at all. It was why he got along so well with Seb, but even that piece of information had only fallen into place when he acknowledged that he had thrown Nico under the bus for a little bit of glory. Lewis made a mental note to come back to that with the German sometime. Seb deserved it. He had been right after all.  
Nico and him did need to talk. 

Nico sighed, but he did look up, his eyes meeting Lewis’. He blinked a few times to get the water drops that had fallen from his wet strands of hair out of his eyes. Or Lewis hoped he was blinking away only raindrops. There was a new determination in Nico’s eyes though, and a tiny hint of desperation. The same urgency Lewis felt ever since letting Nico in. A now-or-never kinda feeling that made it possible to finally say the things they should’ve said years ago. 

‘Lewis.’ Nico’s voice was soft, but clear. 

‘Lewis, I’m not sure yet if I’m glad you’re here, that we’re here, but it’s probably good. We have to put all of this beyond us. We’ve let it slip long enough, don’t you think?’ 

An ice-cold feeling settled close to Lewis’ heart, this sounded way too final. He knew he had never made his intentions clear, and he knew Nico probably didn’t expect anything from him, but the idea that this might be them talking for the last time before parting ways for good and going on with their lives made his head spin and his stomach turn. No matter how much he had convinced himself over the last few years he would be better off without the other man, imagining a life without him was more painful than the idea of never winning another trophy ever again. This can’t be the end, this shouldn’t be how they ended, not even when he knew how hypocritical that sounded. 

He didn’t say a word, scared to throw Nico off. He deserved a chance to speak his mind, no matter what he had to say. Lewis looked at him and felt like he now saw him for the first time in a very long time. He tried his hardest not to stare, captivated by all the perfect imperfections on his face. Nico looked back at him and Lewis admired his courage, there was still no closed off look in his eyes. He really seemed willing to lay everything between them. Or throw it all at Lewis, that would be understandable too. 

‘Lewis, I’m going to say this and I’ve thought about these words for a very long time and yet they never felt good enough. But I’m going to try. If this is it, I don’t want to leave it like we’ve done the last four years. Because honestly, it is killing me. I sometimes wished I never met you, you know. I was willing at some point to throw away all our happy memories, our friendship, everything we shared, if it meant it wouldn’t hurt so much to see you living so well without me. There have been moments I promised myself I would just forget you, pretend I didn’t know you anymore and just go on with my life. I had everything, right? So why did it feel so wrong to do that? Was it because I still had to deal with you because of work? Because I kept in contact with the team? With Toto? Or is it because you were such a big part of my life that ignoring you meant erasing a part of myself?’

Lewis swallowed, feeling lost in a moment he knew he should be in, yet it made him feel so insecure. He had wondered sometimes, in stolen moments, in drunk nights of crying on Sebastian’s shoulder how life would’ve been if he never met Nico, or if they never had become friends. And he had always felt worse after thinking about that, because if he was honest he liked himself better when Nico was still around. It hurt that Nico felt the same, but it hurt even more that Nico might see this as the clean way out, the beginning of a life without him. And Lewis wasn’t ready for that. Not at all. 

‘The first year I didn’t speak your name, Lewis. Not even to everyone I was still seeing from the team. I thought it would make it easier, but it only made me see how much I thought about you, because it was so difficult to never mention you again. But you never, not even once, made me think you’d wanted to make amends. I never thought there would come a time like this, that our love for the sport would drive us to hate. For the longest time I wanted you to forgive me, but would you have to forgive me for winning then? I must have done something pretty unforgivable, that was the only conclusion I could draw from all of this. It must have been so bad, because I couldn’t remember you ever being so angry and done with someone else.’

Lewis bit his lip. He had never felt so conflicted and torn apart. Would he have made different decisions if he had known how much he had hurt Nico? He wished he could say yes to that. But hurting Nico had been the goal at one time. And even when he did that because of some weird feelings of injustice: he was hurting, so Nico shouldn't feel better, it hadn’t been right. _In the end life is nothing but the choices you make._ Again words from his mother he had never really taken seriously. _Life is hard work,_ he had said as a counter argument. _But what happens to others around me when I work hard for my dream isn’t something I should be bothered by. That’s not up to me._

But maybe it was. He saw that now. Even his victories, his success, his glorious career were built on choices, deliberate moments in which he had consciously let people down, turned them away or kicked them out. Gaining his position, his success hadn’t been just hard work, it had been made of sacrifices too and Nico was one of those. Lewis knew it wouldn’t be entirely fair to say he would have done it differently if he had seen the evidence of what it had done to his rival.  
Because he had. 

He had seen the looks in Nico’s eyes after pointless fights and awkward press conferences. He had tricked himself into believing that was hate, irritation, anger and arrogance, even when deep down he had always known that to be lies. 

Seeing Nico now, after all these years, so open, unguarded, did things to Lewis he was scared of. Because just then, when Nico had asked him what kind of unforgivable thing he had done to Lewis, he had looked so lost and beaten, it had pushed only one clear thought to the front of Lewis’ mind. _I would give up my titles if it meant I could free him from this pain._  
And that was the most terrifying thought he had ever had since he first sat down in a record-breaking car. 

It made him feel as lost as Nico looked and a part of him hoped it would be visible in his eyes, too. Nico deserved to know. He deserved to see the war that was raging inside of him. The voice inside that screamed to just stand up, walk over to the couch, sit down next to Nico and pull him close to never let him go again, had become the same as the one telling him that it should be him begging for forgiveness.  
In the end he kept sitting in his chair. Silent, waiting, because he somehow knew that Nico still had something left to say. 

Nico looked down again, not meeting Lewis’ eyes, as his fingers played anxiously with the hem of his shirt, still damp from the rain outside. His voice sounded even softer now, with a hint of fear that Lewis hoped to never hear again. But most of all there was a certain sadness, a pain that spoke of lost hope and acceptance of a situation that would probably never stop hurting. 

‘Lewis, I wonder, so often, especially in the last few months with everything you’ve said and done and meant for people. You are so kind to everyone, to everything. You care so much about all animals, this planet, people, even people you have never met. What have I done that you don’t feel, if only a small bit of that kindness for me?’


	4. And now we are here

A silence fell over them, settled in every corner of the room and shielded them from everything but each other. Time had even taken a step back and Lewis was not even sure anymore there was still a world outside waiting for him after this moment. Of all the things he thought would happen today, a Saturday before a Grand Prix, this hadn’t ever come up. 

Nico’s words, they had left him numb. Ice-cold pain had pierced through his heart and then there was nothing. Nothing left to feel. 

Nico still sat on the couch, gazing in the distance, obviously lost in a memory as if he was trying his best to escape from Lewis, from this room. And Lewis desperately wanted to keep him here forever. Even after all this time. 

He hadn’t had a clue what to say when Nico met him outside, but now he was still completely lost for words. After all the insane things he had done in his life, all the fears he’d faced, he had no idea how to handle this. Dealing with his own, sometimes conflicting, emotions and feelings was something he hadn’t really mastered yet, and trying to make other people feel better had always made him feel out of depth. And this was not just some other person. This was Nico, the only one he had ever met besides his family that truly meant something real to him, that truly mattered. He mattered so much that Lewis had accepted a life in which they ignored each other if it meant he could still keep him around somehow. Because even cold words and harsh looks were better than never seeing Nico again, never hearing him speak again, never having the illusion that there was something left to save. 

Looking back on their time as teammates, Lewis realized that there had been moments like this before, moments that might have been less heavy, but still brought Nico to him, wanting to talk about serious matters, about feelings. It had never led to anything though. Lewis had never really participated. He had never known what to say, he had never found the words for all those thoughts running through his head, the fire in his heart and the dancing butterflies in his stomach. But Nico didn’t know that. Nico couldn’t know that he laid awake at night, trying to find words. Nico couldn’t know that he had seriously contemplated learning another language, because someone who seemed wise had said that for a lot of people talking about emotional things was easier in your second language. Nico only saw how he acted, Nico only saw how he was with other people in comparison to how he was with him. And he had concluded the only really logical thing. That Lewis kept silent because he didn’t care, because there were other people he cared more about, that Nico meant nothing to him. Oh if he had just said something earlier. 

Nico had said once, while talking about them after his word championship victory, that he had nothing to lose back then. But that might have been even more true about this moment. He had his success now, his glory, his career, this might be the perfect time, the only time he had, to lay it all out in the open, to say everything that should've been said before. Because finally, Lewis was here to listen. 

And Lewis knew he had to give something back, that the time to hide behind excuses was over. If he wanted to save a small part of what they had or could have he had to be brave too, even when he’d rather throw himself blind into a high speed corner. But Nico would be worth it, because Nico still thought him to be worth it. 

‘Nico, I’m not good at this. You know that better than anyone else. Give me any car in the world and I’ll break records. I know what I can do and that’s not arrogance, but I do know now that there are things in life I’m enormously bad at.’

Lewis laughed unhappily. He had always had this idea that he at least knew himself. But apparently it had been possible to completely ignore these thoughts that were now so incredibly clear. Or maybe he had known, maybe he had seen the part he had played a long time ago. Maybe it was a somewhat conscious decision to go on living like he was and that might be even worse. 

‘The sad thing is, when I look at it all, I would gladly hand over my talent for speeding around in fast cars in turn for a little bit more courage, a little bit more talent when it comes to dealing with everything I feel and then talk about it. Because it almost cost me everything, not talking, I mean.’ 

Sebastian had said that to him some time ago, but at that moment he didn’t realize how true it was. His German colleague had shown him a headline about one of the speeches Lewis had given at some sort of business related event. He had read the text of the article out loud because it was all praise for the way Lewis had talked, for the words he had chosen. And he had sat there opposite of Lewis, laughing and shaking his head. ‘You say so much, Lewis, but you never really _say_ anything. That’s probably a gift, but believe me, it will come around for you sometime.’ Lewis had laughed out loud, not really registering what his friend was saying and what it meant. He was doing well at that moment, life was laying at his feet and the world was listening. Everything was going exactly as it should. 

How naïve he had been, how limited had been his view on his role in this life. You could play the part of a successful champion for so long, but he now knew he could’ve done that so well only by ignoring the cracks in that façade. The cracks that showed he was barely holding it all together and that friendship and real connections were slipping away fast. 

‘And I never even saw it all slipping away. I don’t know how to do this, Nico, but if I’m honest, and that scares me to death, but there’s no world, no planet, no life imaginable to me without you in it. And I should have never taken that from granted. Not when I thanked God so many times for everything that made me happy, always easily forgetting that I should name that happiness. That I should’ve named it after you. Because it was… is… you that’s somehow always linked to my happiest memories. And it’s always you in my darkest too. But that’s not your fault, it never really was. I just find it easier to say words of kindness to people I don’t really know, because I can’t deal with all the things that come with love.’

He saw the shock run through Nico’s body at that word. He looked up sharply, an almost desperate look in his eyes. Lewis was the one to look away. 

‘I hate being unsure, vulnerable, insecure. I can only ever be one thing at a time. So I chose to be strong, even when it meant pushing away parts of me that screamed to be let out. I can’t undo what I’ve done, Nico. I can’t take back the awful words I’ve spoken, the accusations, the curses. I can’t even prove to you that I mean it now when I say I never want to lose you, that I feel for you so much more than the kindness I try to show in my everyday life. But I can try. So Nico, please believe me.’

Lewis’ eyes found Nico’s again, he didn’t care anymore that his own were clouded with tears threatening to fall. He didn’t try to decipher all the emotions dancing in Nico’s beautiful eyes, he had to say it. He had to. Even when it paralyzed him with fear and made his heart race with anxiety. 

‘Nico, you know what racing means to me. But I would give up all my titles, hand over all my trophies if I could go back in time and undo all the messed up things I did and said that hurt you. I would for you. No, not even that is right. Will, not would. I will give up this life, this sport for the small chance to keep living a life you’re part of and I’m sorry it took me four years to get here. I will do all of that though, that to keep you close Nico, because I should never have let you slip away.’

Nico looked down and for the shortest moment Lewis felt completely empty. He had no idea how to go forward, because for the first time in a really long time he had surrendered control. It wasn’t up to him anymore to decide about the future from this moment onwards. 

It was up to Nico now. 

And Lewis was terrified to be left there with nothing but that emptiness. No matter the outcome of his honesty, he could never take back the words he had spilled into the silence of his motorhome. He couldn’t go on with his life as before, because he had created a permanent place in his life for Nico by acknowledging in actual spoken words what he meant to him. And it was up to Nico now to decide if he would go on living with Nico close by or if there would be a Nico-shaped hole in his existence. He knew he probably deserved it if Nico would walk out on him. He knew that no matter how much he had meant what he had said there was still the realistic possibility that it had been too late. Four years had passed since Nico left the sport. Four years since they parted ways. And so much longer since they had been together without the presence of angry rivalry and growing hatred. 

How long can you wait for forgiveness? How long until there’s no other option than to go on without the person you always held dear, when it had been that same person to push you to the edge one time too many? Maybe Nico had been waiting long enough. 

‘Lewis.’ Nico’s voice was stronger than it had been before. 

‘Lewis. You fool.’ A soft, albeit still hesitant smile ran over his face. ‘Come here. Please. For once don’t question me, listen to me.’

And Lewis did. He stood up, walked the few steps to the couch, sat down next to the man whose name would always be intrinsically linked with his own and pulled him close. Nico buried his face in Lewis’ neck. Lewis wrapped his arms around Nico, his hands finding their way under his sweater, suddenly desperate to lose as many boundaries between them as possible. 

No one needed to see the tears that fell into Nico’s golden hair. 

No one needed to hear the soft words they whispered in each other’s ears. 

It was nobody’s business, but their own. 

It had taken them long enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it! 
> 
> There will probably be more about them in this setting, but that will be another story. 
> 
> Thanks for enjoying this ride with me!

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos, comments, yelling, screaming and criticism, all is very welcome!


End file.
